Children experience constant transitions throughout their lives. Some are small, like moving from one activity to another; others are deeply emotional, like separating at bedtime. Why are transitions so hard for our young children? How can we support children when change feels overwhelming?

What makes transitions difficult may not be the change itself, but rather the uncertainty that comes with it. When routines shift, children may feel uncertain about what is expected of them, how they will feel, and whether they can trust others to help them manage what comes next. Children as young as five express worry about starting school because of uncertain teacher demands and dynamics with peers (Wong, 2015). For us parents, school might bring the relief of structure and routine, but for our children, it may bring a flood of emotions. How can we possibly provide a steady hand for our children in moments when our own hearts feel shaky? Ironically, the best antidote to challenging transitions is stability, particularly emotional and relational stability. Children need to know that the adults who care for them remain present, predictable, and emotionally available.

Remember that our job as parents is not to remove all possible challenges or stressors from our children’s lives. Not only is that simply impossible, but moderate stress (what the Harvard Center on the Developing Child terms positive stress) is actually a normal and necessary part of development (Toxic Stress Resource Guide, n.d.). When supported by caring adults, this type of stress helps children build resilience and effective internal stress responses. In fact, studies show that mild levels of anxiety can even result in better performance, a bit like that adrenaline push you might need before hitting a baseball at a game or performing at a talent show. Yerkes-Dodson law helps explain how anxiety can actually boost our performance, up to a point (Cohen, 2011).

Developmental psychologists highlight that a strong connection to an emotionally present caregiver and establishing certain family rituals provide grounding and consistency for children even in the face of the unknown (Turnbull et al., 2022). Another powerful way to support children is to reframe transitions as opportunities for connection. Normalising the feelings and expressing empathy allows the child to create psychological distance from the emotional intensity of the feeling. When parents express understanding through empathy or share personal experiences (“I used to feel that way”), they help children create emotional distance from their distress, aiding in more effective self-regulation (co‑regulation strategies). Over time, being able to create this distance can promote better self-regulation and control. It is also helpful to remind them (and yourself) of past wins; you’ve navigated challenges before, and you are capable of overcoming new ones together!

Another effective strategy when faced with transitions is helping your child recall and reflect on the tools they already have. Many families find it helpful to identify prior challenging situations and how they were able to work through them. Conceptualising an internal “tool-box” for your child helps them feel prepared to access strengths when approaching new challenges. You can “add” tools to their tool-box by rehearsing situations that they may find tricky, such as asking for help from a teacher or joining a group of friends once the game has already started. This builds resilience, confidence, and problem-solving skills (Nelson & Fivush, 2000).

Lastly, consider one or two rituals that can remain fairly consistent during times of change. A special goodbye handshake, a song you sing together when parting ways, or a playful rhyme (see you later, alligator!) offer comfort and predictability. Maintaining household routines such as shared meals or bedtime patterns can also provide continuity and emotional grounding, buffering children against stress during transitions (Fiese, 2021). Routine elements like this have been found to support family resilience amidst stressful contexts; for example, families who were able to maintain them during the COVID-19 pandemic tended to have higher levels of well-being (Bates et al., 2021).

Uncertainty doesn’t always mean something is wrong. Often, it just means we are paying attention and caring deeply. Parents don’t have to have all the answers or solve all the problems; being present is enough.

So, as you pull your child close during the next transition, big or small, remember that each day is an opportunity to build a more resilient family together. Giving our children the tools to face the only constant in life, change, is one of the greatest gifts we can give them. Resilience in children is “ordinary magic” in that it is an ordinary response in children, especially when surrounded by emotionally present caregivers (Masten, 2001). Remember, sometimes just a hug or a smile is enough to ground them and let them know that they are not alone, that their feelings are valid, and that they can face the change.

Source: Psychology Today – Erin O’Connor Ed.D.

Image Credit: ShutterStock

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